Friday, May 29, 2009

Top-Ten Crime Jerks

It seems to me that the best way to start this whole affair is to give you a little insight into what I enjoy as far as supervillains are concerned. I love a good gimmick, or a good codename, or a garish costume. I love a guy who is just too dumb to do anything but pull a heist, or too crazy not to try and fight the Mighty Thor. So here are my top-ten b-list villains from Marvel comics in the 1960's.
10. The Wrecker
Dirk Garthwaite is a guy who is just too dumb to do anything but rob banks and punch the Mighty Thor in the face. He got his start as the Wrecker trying to rob a hotel room in which Loki, the Norse God of Mischief was staying. The Wrecker managed to overpower Loki while he was trying to summon his girlfriend, and stole his pointy hat, which, when he put it on, gave him super-strength.
Let me reiterate.

HE OVERPOWERED LOKI, A NORSE GOD, AND STOLE HIS FUCKING HAT.

"Nice hat, prancy! Looks like it belongs to the Wrecker now!" Sadly Jack Kirby did not draw the scene where the Wrecker sits on Loki's chest and spits in his mouth.

This of course lead to a long history of the Wrecker habitually fucking with Thor and getting the shit beat out of him, because, let's face it, he's just a dude with a onion mask and a magic crowbar, and Thor is the God of Thunder. To be fair, he DID beat up Thor's brother before he even had powers, so he probably figured things would work out differently...



9. Radioactive Man

I'm gonna be real with you guys.

Radioactive Man is on this list because he is a gigantic glowing green guy.
He never really did anything super crazy or exciting. Pretty much he irradiated himself so that he could wrestle Thor after Thor stopped China from invading India. He was also part of the Masters of Evil and the Titanic Three, both of which mean that he is fucking awesome and should be feared. In recent years he's become more of an anti-hero, as happens to many classic villains. I'm pretty sure he still melts people just by standing close to them though, so that's pretty awesome.

Also, he's still a gigantic glowing green guy, and it is hard to beat that.






8. Psycho-Man
Look at this fucking guy. He is pure Kirby bad-ass awesome. He has a little box that shoots different colored lasers, and each laser makes you feel like shit in a different way. One color makes you jealous, another makes you angry, another makes you sad, you get the picture. Basically, he has all the powers of your mom when you have not called her in a while. Did I mention he is also like an inch tall? He lives in a gigantic robotic version of himself because he comes from Sub-Atomica, which is a microscopic world that exists in an alternate dimension. He basically built a huge version of his feel-bad box and tried to make everyone so sad that he could conquer Earth. It took the Fantastic Four, the Black Panther, and the Inhumans to take him down. Later, he decided that just turning everyone into mopey-ass emo kids wasn't good enough and decided to become Captain Cosmic, which I'm pretty sure didn't happen but would've been cool. I think he also said a couple times that he feeds off of "fear energy" like a vampire, but that's a little too Twilight for me.



7. Boomerang
Guess what this guy does? Guess where he is from?

The Marvel wiki lists his trick boomerangs as follow
Shatterangs - These detonate with a force equivalent to twenty hand grenades.
Gasarangs - These release highly concentrated tear gas upon impact.
Razorangs - These razor-edged boomerangs are capable of slicing through steel.
Screamerangs - These generate high-intensity sonic waves as they fly through the air.
Bladarangs - These whirling boomerangs cut like buzzsaw blades.
Gravityrangs - These Create a local gravity field around their target.
Reflexerangs - These are solid-weighted boomerangs

Absolutely nothing else needs to be said to exlpain why Boomerang fucking rules, although I should point out two things: first, his "Shatterangs" apparently explode with the force of "twenty hand-grenades." That's a shit load of hand grenades. Second, apparently he has technology capable of generating "concentrated fields of gravity," and yet all he can think to do with it is stick it on a boomerang. This really highlights the pathos of a great villain.


6. The Unicorn
Once again, the Unicorn never really did anything too crazy. In fact, his story was pretty cool. He was a Russian scientist who worked alongside the original Crimson Dynamo. When Crimson Dynamo defected, the Unicorn was sent to America to kick his ass.
But seriously folks.

Take a look at this guy. He has a giant hat with a lens on top so he can shoot a laser from his face. Oh, also, his face laser is called the "power horn."
According to Wikipedia, he was last seen "attempting to walk from New York to Moscow, and is assumed to have drowned."
What a sad ending for this most noble of God's monsters.






5. Batroc, the Leaper
Or should I say "Batroc, ze leepair!" There is nothing about Batroc that is not crazy and amazing. First, he's a snooty French d-bag with the worst taste possible. He has a Salvador Dali moustache and apparently
stole that costume of Hawkeye's that went into the laundry with a mustard colored sock. Further, he knows karate. He's even good at it. So good, in fact, that he is almost the equal of Captain America. Truly, he is the French super-soldier. He's also apparently an olympic level weight-lifter and can lift as much as 500 pounds.
If none of this was enough, he is also the leader of a team of mercenary supervillains known as Batroc's Brigade. Batroc's Brigade counts among its alumni such luminaries as The Porcupine, and Machete. Basically they are there to make Batroc look more threatening by comparison.
If you see this guy coming at you, distract his ass with a baguette and run like hell.



4. The Looter

Ah, the Looter. Enemy of Spider-Man, threat to nobody. I must confess, much of my love for this guy comes from Todd Dezago and Mike Wieringo's run on Spectacular Spider-Man, wherein he was hilarious. Pretty much the Looter found a meteor which he naturally decided to investigate, hoping it would hold the mysteries of the universe or whatever. Anyway, it shot green gas all over him (gross), which he decided gave him super strength.

He just decided that. It didn't.

He figured that now all he had to do was take out Spider-Man, and the world would be his oyster. Unfortunately, since he's just a dick with a green rock, things never really went his way, and we will never have to raise a salute to President Looter. Ah, well.



3. Mysterio
I really don't have much to say about Mysterio. He's honestly one of my favorite villains. He has a solid gimmick, and a great costume, and much like many of Steve Ditko and Stan Lee's inspired villains, he has endured and become a mainstay of Marvel villainy. Does anyone not know why Mysterio is straight up badass?

















2. The Melter
Fuck yeah, the Melter! Aside from telling kids to get off his damn lawn, the Melter does exactly what he says he does. He melts shit. And I don't mean like popsicles or whatever; I mean he melts Iron Mans. He was part of the original Master of Evil which, like Radioactive Man, means he is to be feared and respected. Pretty quickly into his career, he ditched the cape and the giant steel adult diaper and got a new costume, but I like this one better. He was eventually shot by the Scourge, but lives on in my memory.













1. Tiger Shark

Why is Tiger Shark number one? Well, i have some very compelling reasons with which I am certain you will agree. First, he looks awesome. What a great costume. Second, there aren't many underwater themed villains, and pretty much all of them are either boring or just straight up lame all around. Tiger Shark on the other hand is very awesome. Here we have an olympic swimmer who realized that he was not badass enough and so decided to become part shark.

Think about that for a second. Let that sink in.

Imagine if Michael Phelps decided to splice his genes with that of the ocean's greatest predator. Would anyone be safe? Would you even try going in the water? I fucking wouldn't. What this all adds up to is a terrifying, bloodthirsty man-shark with eight gold medals in murder. Pretty much the only Sub-Mariner villain who wasn't completely goofy, and a force to be reckoned with outside of the water as well. He kidnapped the queen of Atlantis and had himself declared king in his first outing. He was also a latter-day member of the Masters of Evil, which means that he is the best of the best, forever.


Next, I'll explore the ten best and most enduring villains of Marvel's silver age. Not necessarily my favorites, but the ones that deserve the most recognition.


All images and characters are copyright Marvel Comics.

7 comments:

  1. Did Kirby create Psycho-Man? It looks like a New Gods costume.

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  2. I'm seriously wondering what Michael Phelps would look like if spliced with shark genes...

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  3. My God! Tiger Shark is just insanely awesome, it should be considered a crime in several countries.

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  4. I'm pretty sure it actually is.

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